and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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