Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
