i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
