I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Randomize
