the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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