Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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