just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
