I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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