Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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