Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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