Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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