we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
i need some magic done to my vagina
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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