I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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