This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
