if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
