i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
God, I missed his penis.
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