im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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