Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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