No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
