I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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