Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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