Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
