How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
