Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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