They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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