I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Found the puke drawer
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
