OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
