I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
