i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
