The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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