There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
