I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
