i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
