it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
