If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
