tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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