I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
