Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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