Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
