He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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