If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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