We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
