I just threw up on my dentist
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
