That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
