theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
