When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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