She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
When are your genitals available?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
