he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
