My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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