there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
