Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
